Last month on May 8, we celebrated Mother's Day, a day that has a special meaning to me but for a different reason than most people.
I was raised by an unloving mother. She didn't know how to love, unconditional love as a mother is expected to give to their children. It is because, in my opinion, she has no clue what unconditional love is.
So her children grew up without love. I grew up with a lot of anger, disappointment, hatred, hopelessness and a general non-loving feeling. She made me believe that I was lazy, irresponsible, hopeless, a spoiled, brainless girl with neither talent nor academic skills. I grew up with no confidence, believing there’s nothing good about myself. As I grew up, I struggled with this, and even after I gat married, I still struggled with all the baggage.
And then about five years ago my best friend, who knew my struggles, advised me to go to a spiritual healer. There, I realized that I had been through so much pain and trauma. The emotional wound had been eating me up inside. Under my spiritual healer's guidance, my heart and eyes opened again. Slowly the wound healed. It took me three years to change my perspectives about myself and the learning process is still ongoing.
The most important change is that I began to believe in myself. I came to realize there is so much goodness in me. I am NOT hopeless – I am a GREAT person. I learned to accept myself, the imperfect me. I learned to accept my imperfections perfectly. Only God is perfect. I feel God lives in my heart, and it feels peaceful. Finally, in time I understand what true love is.
And in time I chose to forgive my parents, especially my mother. Instead of feeling hatred, I feel sorry for her. It must be like living in hell to not know love.
Although I am healed. Things do not always go smoothly. I stumbled and fell, before I got back on my feet again. And it’s still a continuous struggle to this day.
And then after 13 years of marriage, I was blessed with a son. He is a true miracle and a gift from God. Having been raised without the love of a mother I have given birth to a son. My parents didn't believe in me, but God believes in me. I felt overwhelmed and still do. God is paradoxically amazing. He gave me a chance to become a mother, despite all my baggage.
To this day my mother still hasn't visited and seen Raphael. She wasn't there for me either when he was born.
Raphael was born prematurely, a firstborn to a first time mother, Being a mother was a huge challenge but there have been help. During his first years, I was supported by my husband, mother in law, brother in law, and a few friends. I also consulted the internet a lot to gather as much information as I could, so I could take best care of my son.
Sometimes I feel lonely. Sometimes I crave my mother's love. Sometimes I wish my mother was there, staying in my house, helping me to take care of my son. But looking back at how much I have grown, and how much God loves me, that yearning dissipates. There must be reasons for the way my mother is. So be it. I choose to stay positive.
Motherhood is a lifetime journey. I’m often worried that I raise my son wrongly, that he doesn’t get enough love from me. But my determination is firm and clear: Raphael will not have life like mine. I am committed to love him unconditionally, and my fears will fade away.
And in his own way Raphael teaches me to love him and to love life itself unconditionally every single day. He is my Guru, my true love and my life. I thank God for loving me so much and for giving me such an extraordinary life.
Endah Hapsari is a 39 years old woman, a mother of an 18-month-old son and a housewife. She lives in Jakarta with her family. She is a late bloomer who just discovered her true self and had spiritual awakening in her late thirties.
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