Women Lead Pendidikan Seks
September 30, 2015

Am I Bi-sexual or Bi-curious, or Should I Even be Worried?

A teenage girl wonders about her sexuality, and whether she should be worried at such a young age.

by Magdalene
Sexual Liberation 14 Thumbnail, Magdalene

Hello, Madge!

So I've never been on magdalene.co before, until my older cousin told me about you, and I checked the website out. I was kind of gob smacked with how many people have so many different problems and I felt like I want to ask you something, since you're probably older than me.

So here's the thing. I'm 13 years old. And I'm not really sure about my sexuality. I am head over heels in love with a boy, but never had a sexual urge with the said gender. But with girls, sometimes I get sexually attracted to people of the same gender as I am. Sometimes I thought, "It's probably okay to date girls, like they're cool and all."

And I also had imagined what it would feel like to date one of my best friends. Let's say her name is Y. So Y is very pretty, and I'm quite sure every boy in my school likes her. And maybe, just maybe if I'm not in love with a boy, I could be in love with her.

So, that's the problem. I'm really sexually confused. Am I bi-sexual? Or just plain bi-curious? Or maybe I'm still too young to decide.

What I fear is “What if I ended up coming out as bi, and my family will despise me?'

For example, earlier, my aunt found a picture from Instagram while I was watching TV. She said "It's disgusting. Just look at the hashtag!" she exclaimed and I took a look at her phone. It said #gaylife. And I was like “so what?”

And I said, "So?"

She looked at me *kinda* irritated and said "Amit-amit (disgusting), lah, gay."

I was taken aback. Who am I kidding, of course people are homophobic. Some people are just so fucking brainwashed, I thought.

And so I just stared blankly at the TV and said, "Oh, ya udah (whatever)."

I'm afraid, so afraid. What if I'm bisexual? Will my family say the same thing?

But, my cousin, luckily, have the same problem. She's five years my senior and I thought you can help us both. She's also the one that introduced me to your website *wink wink*.

Oh, and she asked me to read your previous article about how to tell your parents that you dislike praying or that you don't pray anymore. We're both probably agnostic.

So, yeah. By answering this, my cousin and I would be very grateful, even though I didn't told her that I was going to ask you.

So, thanks for reading! Hope you'll have a day as good as you! J


Hi A,

It’s really hard for me to respond to your questions, mostly because you’re so young, I really don’t want to give you the wrong advice.

However, reading your letter, it seems to me that you are going through some pretty confusing time, which is not uncommon for young girls who are beginning to deal with their sexuality, and who are getting exposed to information, ideas and discourses they had previously no access to in their family.

Well, OK, maybe you start a bit earlier than some teenagers, and your problems are a bit more complicated than the typical girl-likes-boy type of situation Nevertheless, these are valid emotions that you’re feeling, and dismissing them doesn’t do a person good.

Are you bisexual, bi-curious or just sexually confused? Honestly, I have no way of knowing, even if I knew you personally. That is really the big question you will have to find out yourself eventually. And whatever the answer is, it will be fine either way.

I tend to think that if you feel so confused, maybe you are still too young to decide. And, really, there is no hurry. No need to decide now.

How would you deal with your family if it turns out that you’re gay, then? Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it. 

Look, what I’m saying is that it’s OK to be confused, to not know what you want in life, what gender you’re attracted to, or who you are. At your age, you have the luxury of doing that. Just don’t get entangled in all the confusion and all the self-talks that keep you in a cycle of self-doubts and self-denial, or, God forbids, lead you to a path of self-destruction. And don’t let it keep you from living your life. Too many grownups are messed up because we let anxieties rule our lives.

Have someone you trust whom you can share these feelings with at your side. Your cousin sounds like a cool ally (and not just because she introduced Magdalene to you ;)).

You have so much to live for, remember that when you think things are starting to get really rough. Do well in school, find out what you’re good at, make some good friends, and envision your life the way you want it to be, a life in which you will be independent, and really work on making it happen. Being independent gives you the freedom to make a choice. And that, I think, might just be the best advice I can give you at the moment.

Much love and hugs,

Got a burning question about something? Send it to [email protected] -- in English or Indonesian -- with the subject "Ask Madge" or tweet your question to @the_magdalene