“Was it non-consensual back then?” My ex texted me out of the blue one recent afternoon.
“What? When? The one where I cried after?” I replied. Apparently, he was moved to ask me this after seeing my retweet about non-consensual sex and the Aziz Ansari’s story.
“Yes. That one when you stayed silent.”
“Well, that one, yes….” I was trying to forget about that. It was months ago.
“Shit. Did I rape you?” he asked.
I’m not sure how to respond to that. Suddenly the line between rape and not rape seems blurred to me. I started asking myself: is it rape if I still have sex with him consensually afterwards? Is it rape if he stops before it goes into full intercourse and started comforting me? I personally don’t think so.
Still, it was an extremely uncomfortable experience that I was trying to shake off. That was the one and only moment when I was so afraid of him that I started going into a full mental breakdown right in front of him.
Add all of that with my fetish of being forced, which he had already known and which we had practiced a few times before, I can see why he’s only realizing that now. If I were to go into a victim-blaming state of mind, I’d say it was my fault for not saying my safeword.
However, after that, in that very same night, I still had sex with him because I wanted to. And even for months after that, I still went out with him, I still loved him, that was not the reason why I broke up with him. And, honestly, I had forgotten all about that stuffs. But here he is, months later asking me about it and begging my forgiveness. I forgave him alright. But he went on saying he couldn’t forgive himself.
It is understandable for him to be like that, for he has always hold a grudge and hate towards rapists – he has his own reasons. It must be such a shock to have such a strong feeling against something, only to realize that they do it too, that they’re hypocrites.
This is why we have to understand and accept that feminists can be rapists too, women can be misogynists, and POCs (people of color) can be racists too.
But today, when victims are finally given the time and place to speak out, what can you do when you realize that you are actually one of the perpetrators?
You might feel shocked, angered at yourself and disgusted, but don’t be all “me, me, me!” by just being angry and disgusted at yourself. Accept the fact, ask for forgiveness, and ask what you can do to make it better, to make yourself better.
The world doesn’t need another self-hating perpetrator inducing pity from other people. Just help us fight the good fight.
Synd is a 19-year-old exploring her love life in bed and studying french in campus. So far, she found out that she loves sex and writing essays. Once, one after another.
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